I am a firm believer that there really are no problems, only miscommunications.

When we lack the skills to communicate clearly, though, it does become a problem.

If we are to make the most of our relationships, then, it is critical that we develop the communication skills that allow us to cut through the “problems” and understand that all actions are really an attempt to fill one of the basic human needs. (For more information on that topic, check out my previous post: Human Needs – Healthy or Hindering?)

Principally, we tend to think that communication skills are about getting our point across clearly, and helping people to understand what we are trying to express.  Far more important, though, the real skill comes in listening. Not just letting people say what they want, but also taking the time to make sure that we understand what they “mean”. An important element in this skill is creating a safe space that allows others to feel that their thoughts & feelings are valid and can be expressed without fear of being judged, criticized or met with anger.  This, in and of  itself, takes a massive amount of self-control, self-confidence and love for both self and the other person.

Recently, while searching for more tools to develop these skills, I found a powerful free Solve Your Relationship Problems video series from Kathlyn & Gay Hendricks. The Hendricks’ are not only the world’s leading experts on relationships, but are also a happily married couple of 25+ years.

Some of the topics this free video series covers are:

• How to Stop An Argument… Instantly
• How to end blame and criticism
• How to end money struggles and create financial abundance
• Ending jealousy
• How to tell if your partner is lying
• Restoring harmony after a fight
• Many, many more…

What tips & tricks have you found helpful for improving communication in your personal relationships?

I’d love to hear about your insights as you review the videos in their free Solve Your Relationship Problems series!

What do you think of when you hear someone described as “needy?”

The basic physical needs – such as food, water & shelter – are obvious ones that we all recognize as common to all people.  How often, though, do we fail to recognize the psychological needs that we all share?

Is it possible that the label of “neediness” that some people use have caused us to ignore the reality that even healthy, well-adjusted people have basic needs?

Perhaps a proper understanding will allow us to have a healthier relationship with our own needs. And, possibly, eliminate some of “neediness” as well.

1. Certainty/Comfort – We all want to be comfortable, and a great deal of comfort comes in having certainty. We want to know that our car will start and that the fridge will have food for us to eat. Having a certainty of these things eliminates stress.  Human interactions, however, provide far less certainty.

   An unhealthy relationship with this need will lead us to try to control our circumstances, or other people. The degree to which we lack internal certainty (faith, courage, confidence) will be related to how much we feel the need to control the external circumstances.

2. Variety – The spice of life! We all need a little bit of adventure in our lives. Some find this through watching a movie that they haven’t seen yet, others find it through bunjee jumping.

   This need is in contrast to certainty, which reminds us that there is a balance that needs to be found. With too much certainty we get bored, but with too much variety fear or confusion can enter in.

3. Significance – We all yearn to know that we are here for a purpose, that our lives are important.  This is a way that we can be unique… a sense of identity that makes us distinct from others.

   In a healthy sense, this need will lead us to self-discovery and an understanding our gifts & talents. Unhealthily, we can find ourselves trying to fill this need through egotism, drama addiction or materialism.

4. Connection/Love – While our need for significance leads us to be separate from others, our need for connection with others – or love – is what draws us together.  We want to know that we belong, that we are cared for and  that we are understood.

   One of the most satisfying ways that we can fill this need is within family or intimate relationships. Others may seek to fill this need through clubs, social networking, religious groups or gangs.

5. Growth – All things in nature are either growing or dying. Since there is no finish line, or standard that we reach to lets us know that we’ve “made it” and are now complete, we have a desire for growth and improvement. This can be through physical, spiritual, intellectual growth, etc.
6. Contribution – The assurance that we have been a part of something bigger than ourselves is critical to our fulfillment, though it may be more apparent in some than others. Deep down, though, we all want to know that we leave a legacy, or make the world a better place by being here.

In what ways can understanding these needs provide you with more insight into the choices you make?

How can understanding these needs help you have more compassion in dealing with others?

Letting go… The idea of letting go is often, sadly, equated with walking away, giving up or some other attitude of “good bye and good riddance.”  The prevalent belief that “things would be better without it, so I’m going to let it go” is not the true essence of letting go, and not only perpetuates the falsehood that circumstance affects our happiness, but robs us of our true spiritual power.

Instead of seeing letting go as a way to change the circumstance, we find power when we see it as a means of changing ourselves.  It’s about releasing control, and trusting in the Infinite…

Here is an empowering view of what it means, and what it takes, to “Let Go and Let God”. Special thanks to Cari Murphy for providing this:

To “Let Go” Takes Love
To “Let Go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “Let Go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can’t control others.
To “Let Go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “Let Go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “Let Go” is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
To “Let Go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “Let Go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “Let Go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “Let Go” is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To “Let Go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “Let Go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To “Let Go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.
To “Let Go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “Let Go” is to not regret the past but to grow and to live for the future.
To “Let Go” is to fear less and to love more.

In what way do you need to let go?

With this new perspective on what it means to let go, you’ll find that you never “lose” anything by letting go.  You keep everything that you fear you couldn’t hold on to.

For more information on Cari Murphy (@CariLMurphy), check out her latest best-selling book Create Change Now, or stop by her blog to say hello.

“The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience.  Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around… Throughout history, ‘tender loving care’ has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing.”
~ Larry Dosse

I will be the absolute first to admit that I don’t like rules. In fact, I hate them. I’ve always felt that they were unnecessary if people would exercise even the slightest degree of common sense. But, we all know how UN-common common sense it, and it is for that exact reason, that we (unfortunately) NEED to have rules.

Before I just lay down the law and explain the rules, though, I think it’s only fair that we give everyone a chance to see exactly why this is just common sense.

There Is A Law…

An apple falls from a tree because of the Law of Gravity… there are also laws that govern social media. It’s a simple matter of cause & effect: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. “Follow Friday” is an instance where can see Law #7 in action: People just want to be loved.

The Right Way…

Follow Friday is an opportunity to share with our friends the people that we value. We are saying “this is someone that I get value from, and I want you to enjoy what they have to offer as well”. It’s about sharing, giving and providing value to others.

…and the Wrong Way

Follow Friday is NOT about getting more followers. Some people (either ignorant of the law, or possessing a lack mentality) will recommend as many people as they can for #followfriday in hopes that some of them will feel obligated to reciprocate that gesture. By accomplishing this, they hope that they will attract new followers. Sadly, they just don’t get it…

It’s about relationships, NOT numbers

100 followers who love & respect you are far more valuable than 10,000 who are not emotionally engaged. Think about it… we all see billboards and magazine ads every day without taking much note, but when a friend recommends a new restaurant or movie, we stop and listen.

This isn’t just some hippie-make-love-not-profits idea we’re talking about, it’s also solid marketing. Every marketer dreams of having their campaign go viral. When people are genuinely interested it automatically grows, even without your help.

Case in point – Did you know that Susan Boyle, of Britain’s Got Talent, almost instantly became one of the most popular videos on www.youtube.com… And she had never even heard of youtube!  She wasn’t trying to get a lot of views, she was just doing what she was passionate about. If you do the same, you’ll see similar results… maybe not 1 million followers, but you’ll get the ones that see value in what you offer.

Showing Love To Others

Okay, so now that we understand that it’s about what we give instead than what we get, let’s do it with an A+ effort. What would make you feel more loved:

• #ff @yourname @stranger1 @stranger2 @stranger3 @stranger3 @stranger4 @stranger5 @stranger6
• Friends, check out @yourname an amazing friend of mine who’s tweets make me smile every day. #followfriday

Yeah, pretty obvious, huh? Of course you would prefer the 2nd one better. (If not, i’ve got an #blockparty you can join)

But how do I fit all my friends in?

You don’t. That’s the point… People feel special when you give them recognition. Nobody wants to be a statistic, they want to be recognized as a valuable individual.

Lumping my name in with 100 people with no explanation of why you recommend me doesn’t make me feel special. In fact, it just pisses me off. Can you imagine @sharonhayes‘ inbox? If all of her 30k+ followers did the #ff spam method, she wouldn’t get anything done.

Besides, even if your bulk recommendations are genuine, most people on twitter can’t follow that many new tweeps in a day anyway.

Some EXCELLENT examples

These are actual examples that are dead-on the money:

• TomBeasley #followfriday @AndyGoulding. He is a local radio DJ with a witty sense of humour and an intriguing take on everyday life.

• TamaraSchillingI Recommend that you #FollowFriday @MoneyClarity … this man is always upbeat, positive & willing to help you connect & grow! #professional
  
• JosephRansethFor the most beautiful girl in the world, #FollowFriday @TamaraSchilling & check out her blog: http://budurl.com/twitterlovestory (ps. i love you)

Go Forth & Multiply (but do it responsibly)

That’s it… go for it, show love and help make twitter a better place.

If you have a great #followfriday you want to share, feel free to reply to me and I’d love to pass it along!